Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Influence of Their Peers



The world is a wicked place with terrible influences all around us. We are bombarded with all things sexual, violent, crass, and downright evil.  Abortion is legal and rampant, religious liberties are restricted by our nation’s leaders, and traditional marriage is constantly under attack.  There is no denying that the world is full of horrific things, this is fact.  Why then, in this day and age, do we think that it is Less important, not More, that a mother spend More time working a job and Less raising her children?
   
One question that we need to ask ourselves is, who and what do we want influencing our children?  Do I want to be the one who determines what they learn, see, or hear, or do I want to leave that up to another adult, and primarily a bunch of other children? For that is something that we very often forget, when our children spend all of their time in day-care and school rather than in the home, their primary source of influence is their peers.  We can research what are and pay for the best schools with wonderful teachers, but they are still going to be surrounded with all sorts of other kids, who may, or very likely may not, be the type of children that you want your child associating with.  I am not saying that children should not play with other children, by all means they should do so, it is just best if it is done in a home where you can monitor behavior.  A very wise friend of mine recently said to me, you cannot change how other children are raised, but you can teach them the appropriate way to behave in your home.

No one loves my children more than their father and I do.  No matter how good, kind, or Christianly the person taking care of my kids is, they will never love them as much as I do. It therefore follows that I, more than anyone else, am looking out for my child’s best interests.  I don’t mean always making certain that they get their turn playing with that toy or that no one picks on them, but rather, teaching them how to behave.  Sometimes, this may mean that they do get picked on or don’t get a turn with the toy.  It is then my job to teach my children how to behave properly in the given situations.  When I see a group of boys that my son is playing with picking on someone, I can then teach him that it is his job to defend others and not to give in to peer pressure.  That is what it means to look out for his best interests.  A teacher or day-care worker, would see a situation and stop the bullying, I might see a situation, stop the bullying, and then instruct my child in how to not let something happen again, I teach them how to be a better human being.  This sort of thing takes a lot of time and effort.  It is not the day-care worker or the teachers job to raise the children, they just do crowd control.

It is not that we should stay home with our children out of a fear of the world around us.  But rather we should do so, so as to best prepare them to face the world themselves.  We all know that at the age of five or six, our children are not grown up, they are just beginning to be formed.   No matter how good of a job you are doing at home, if your child is outside of the home 80% of the time, then that outside influence is going to compete with and trump most of what you are striving to teach your kids.  

NB: I do recognize that the world also holds many beautiful and wonderful things for our children to discover.  I am only saying that we need to protect them from/prepare them to face the bad so that they may more fully enjoy the good.

Monday, November 26, 2012

We Are Our Choices



Yesterday in Mass our priest, as usual, gave a Wonderful homily. I was, unfortunately, not able to hear all of it as I had to leave with a noisy toddler, (one of the joys of parenting) but the main thing that I heard that really stuck with me was this--of course there was a lot more too it but I am not great about summarizing things. He was talking about the Kingdom of God and how it is not of this earth and he said that in order to belong to that kingdom, we need to choose Truth.  The Truth that we choose cannot be our truth, or what we want to be truth, or what others say truth should be, but rather, it Must be God’s Truth.  He also said that when we choose something else; when we choose not to say our prayers because we are too tired; or not to something that we have said we will do because it doesn’t sound like fun; when we choose not to follow His Truth, then we are choosing not to belong to the Kingdom of God.   

After Mass, when I was discussing the homily with Patrick, he told me about this quote from Peter Kreeft: “Here is one of the truest and most terrifying sentences I have ever read (from William Law’s Serious Call): ‘If you will look into your own heart in complete honesty, you must admit that there is one and only one reason why you are not a saint: you do not wholly want to be.’ That insight is terrifying because it is an indictment. But it is also thrillingly hopeful because it is an offer, an open door. Each of us can become a saint. We really can. What holds us back? Fear of paying the price.”  When taken together (the homily and the quote) it made me think about how many poor choices I tend to make and how when I make those choices I am choosing Not to follow God’s Truth and Not to be a saint.  A friend of our family once told us, and it became a sort of mantra in our home growing up, “We are not our Feelings, we are our Choices.”

Then, this morning while saying morning prayers I was reading 2 Thessalonians 3:10b-13, the verses that begin, “Anyone who would not work should not eat,” which is a verse that I have always known.  But I was especially struck by verse 13, “You must Never grow weary of doing what is right.” 

I began to think about all of these things in connection with homemaking.  It is extremely easy to become weary with my tasks in the home.  Lately, I have felt very weary almost all of the time.  But, this is the job that God has given to me, this is my task.  His Truth teaches that this is what I am doing, and it is important, therefore, I need to Choose to continue to do it, no matter how I feel.  We often make the excuse, “Well, I am only human” or “I’m not a Saint” as if that is okay.  We expect less of ourselves rather than more. We need to choose to be more, to choose to obey God and His Truth, not matter how difficult to the task.  We must choose to be Saints. 

“Father, may everything we do begin with your inspiration and continue with your saving help. Let our work always find its origin in you and through you reach completion. We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.” (From the Liturgy of the Hours, today’s ending to the Morning Prayer.)

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Get Ready, Get Set...

I have mentioned before that I once gave a talk at a career day on the "career" of homemaking.  In this talk I had a section where I talked about what someone could do to prepare to be a homemaker.  While for some, some of these things are a "bit too late now," others are things that we can work on daily in order to be better wives, mothers, children of God, and just all around better women.



How to prepare?
·         Learn to cook
·         How to grocery shop, use coupons, and save money.
·         Learn how to live on a budget and balance a check book.
·         How to clean and do laundry.
·         Learn good habits, such as cleaning up after yourself, tidiness, organization, and orderliness. (This is very important as it will help you save TONS of time.)
·         Learn how to be diligent and not to waste time.
·         Learn to do a task, no matter how much you don’t want to; learn how Not to procrastinate.
·         Learn how to serve others. Volunteer, get out of your comfort zone and look for ways to serve others. (As homemaker we are often doing things that might be difficult for us, so by doing this we are preparing our minds and hearts.)
·         Strive to have really good social skills. Be able to have a conversation with any age group, not just your peers. You will pass this skill along to your children, but you will also need to be friends with women of all ages.
·         This one may sound a bit confusing, but learn how to be able to learn for yourself, how to be self-taught. One of the results of the school systems, is that people don't know how to study and learn something on their own. You will need this because an easy way to become discontent with your life and to look outside of your home for meaning, is to stop reading and exercising your mind.  Become a life-long learner because you have lots to learn and lots to teach the immortal souls that God gives into your care. You need to exercise your mind in a way that folding the laundry doesn’t.
·         Learn to be honest with yourself. Every night before you go to sleep, examine your thoughts and behavior from that day, and ask yourself where you sinned.  Repent of your sins and ask God for forgiveness and strive to not sin in that way again. Know your faults, but don’t just accept them, but battle against them, and strive to be a better person. When we examine our sins and are honest with God and ourselves, it helps us to be better Christians, better people. The better a person you are, the better homemaker you will be.
·         Learn contentment: Whatever stage of life that you are in, that is where God has placed you, and that is where you are supposed to be.  Do not constantly look to the future and hope for something different than what you have been given. This will only breed discontent, bitterness, and regret.  

To be a good homemaker you need to be completely selfless and need to be outwardly oriented. This is how we are supposed to be good Christians. However, the single life does not prepare you to be selfless because you are so focused on what You want and you only need to think about Your Own desires. This is a danger that we need to be aware of within the single life. Look for ways to develop a servant’s heart, for ways to step out of your comfort zone and do things to serve those around you. 
   
 Finally, being a homemaker is not a job that you can strive for.  To someday be a homemaker is a Desire, not a Goal.  I know women who wanted nothing more than to have a family and lots of children, but God has called them to be single.  What if you are called to be single and you don’t find out until you are 40? Will you have wasted your life looking for something that wasn’t there. By improving yourself---mind, body, and soul---you are preparing yourself to be a good homemaker eventually, but if that is not your calling, you will have lost nothing because you will have become a  a better human being.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Thanks to the Husbands

In order for a woman to be a full-time homemaker, there is one vital component that rarely gets mentioned, and that is a willing husband.  If a wife is going to stay home full-time, she needs to have a husband who is supportive and willing for her to pursue her chosen vocation.  Before I married my husband I knew that he wanted to do everything in his power to make it possible for me to stay home with our children.  Patrick will work as much as he has to, as many jobs as he has to, so that I will not have to work outside of the home.  People sometimes don't realize how vital it is that the husband and wife agree on how important it is for the her to be a homemaker.  In order to make this possible the man has to:

1) Work. He has to leave the house every single day, without bitterness, say goodbye to his family, and work to support them. Depending on his salary or the type of job that he has, he might have to work more than one job in order to pay the bills. My father works in Christian education.  For many years while I was growing up he would teach school during the school year, coach three sports--soccer, basketball, and baseball--and the day that school got out, start doing handy-man work for people during the summer.  My mother was a stay-at-home mom and these are only a few of the things that he did to make that happen. 
2.) Give up time spent with his children. There are, occasionally, days where Patrick does not even see Sebastian and Evelyn. Patrick is often very sad that he doesn't get to more time with the kids and he will say how much he envies my being home with them.  At the same time, this is never tinged with bitterness because he knows he needs to do in order to make that possible.
3.) Because he works so much and doesn't spend as much time with the kids, Patrick does everything he can to be with the children when he is home.  Every night while I do the dishes, Patrick plays with the kids, gets them ready for bed, and reads to them.  This often means that he walks in the door, eats dinner, and doesn't get to sit down and relax until Sebastian is in bed at 8:00pm.  Sometimes women get upset with their husbands if they don't immediately help out when they walk in the door. But when this is the case, we forget that these men have been working all day long too, and sometimes they also need a break. Yet despite that, they are often willing to do what they can to help out around the house.
4.)Give up time spent with his wife.  If he is busy taking care of work or children, it naturally follows that there isn't going to be as much time to spend with the woman that he married.  While we should always make time for each other, the realities of life don't make that possible as much as we would like.
5.) Give up things that he might want to have. When the wife doesn't work it means that at least half as much income is being brought into the house, which often means that there isn't much extra money for luxuries.  Obviously being able to afford for your wife to stay home won't work if you are constantly purchasing every new gadget, fishing pole, gun, video game, or "toy" that comes along. 
6.) Agree with the reasons "why" his wife stays at home.  If the man doesn't realize the importance of his wife being a full-time homemaker, then it will never work; because, the moment that money gets  tight, he will want his wife to start working again.  If he doesn't agree then every time that he has to give something up, or not buy something he wants, or work extra hours at his job, he will begin to resent his wife. In order to keep the marriage strong, this needs to be an area where, like almost all the important areas, the spouses are in agreement.

I am extremely blessed to be married to a man who thinks that this is just as important as I do, and, his mother was not a stay-at-home mom. So, thank you to my husband who makes  it possible for me to fulfill my vocation and to be the mother and wife that I am called to be.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Less is More


I want to take a moment to focus upon a point of homemaking that I have obliquely mentioned, but not discussed openly.  A homemaker need never feel ashamed for not working outside of the home.  Yes, the world sees us as underachievers. We are the women who are taking the easy way out by choosing to not make much of ourselves in the world; the women who are content to be mediocre, at least that is what the world says.  The truth of the matter is that the way people see the world has become twisted and warped, the homemakers are not the ones who are settling for less but rather they are striving for more.  True meaning and worth is not found in a job outside of the home but rather within it.  This is the important work, this is what needs to be done, and no one can do it as well as we can. 


Sometimes homemakers are made to feel ashamed if they don’t do enough.  We live in an extremely fast paced world and therefore we think that the busier people are, the better job that they are doing.  There is, however, nothing wrong with doing less, with taking the time to slow down.  You don’t have to prove your worth as a homemaker by volunteering on a million committees or belonging to tons of bookclubs or kids clubs, or going on playdates and outings every week.  Your child does not have to play every sport every season or play every musical instrument.  You do not need to spend half of your time each week in the car driving people places.  Sometimes it is good to say no to some of the fun things that people want us to do. In order to do things for others or for our children, we often overextend ourselves so that by the end of the every single day we are completely exhausted. Our first responsibility is to our families, to create peaceful and loving environments for those around us. Is it fair to the husband when the wife is tired and cranky and stressed by the time that he gets home because she was gone for most of the day and the kids missed their naps so they are in a rotten mood? Is it fair to the children when they spend so much time going from one thing to another that there is no stability in their lives? No.  Our first ministry is within our homes not outside of them.  If you can do everything and still maintain an ordered and stable home, then that is wonderful, but most women are not superman (well woman but superwoman doesn’t sound right to me). 

 We need to remember that oftentimes, for everything that we do outside of the home, something inside of the home suffers.  I am not saying that we should seclude ourselves inside our houses and never do anything. What I am saying is that we need to look to the home first, get that in order, think of our spouses and our children before taking on more tasks.  This job is big enough on its own without adding outside stresses.  If we cannot first do This well, why are we trying to take on more? With the state of the world, it is now, more than ever, important that we create a wholesome and Christian culture within our homes.  This is not a part-time, half-hearted job and we should never be made to feel ashamed for giving it the necessary time and attention.

"Every Christian home should be a place of peace and serenity. In spite of the small frustrations of daily life, an atmosphere of profound and sincere affection should reign there together with a deep-rooted calm, which is the result of authentic faith that is put into practice." (Christ is Passing By, 22, 4: from Opus Dei, daily message, January 9, 2003)

Monday, November 12, 2012

Lead By Example

Ever since I read the NPR article that I posted below I have been thinking about what I want to teach my children.  It is said that our actions speak louder than words, but I don't know if we ever truly understand this until we are raising children.  One of the hardest tasks as a parent is to teach a child good habits that you yourself do not possess.  For example, I am not a naturally tidy person, but I am trying to instill this practice within my children.  In order for them to really learn how to be tidy, they need to watch me being tidy, and they will then follow my example. As you can imagine, this is a constant struggle as I am striving to teach myself something, as well as my kids.

 Knowing all this to be true, I then read the article and asked myself, "What am I teaching my children about the nature of 'struggle'."  Every day that I get up and do all of the tasks that I don't want to do, no matter how difficult they are, I am teaching my children about hard work and how to be a diligent worker.  When we do schoolwork and he does really well on a reading lesson, do I commend his "smarts" or his hard work?  I know LOTS of really smart people, heck, I'm married to one.  Sebastian's godfather is one of the smartest men I have ever met and I grew up with three really smart brothers.  But all of the people that I know who are really smart, are also REALLY hard workers.  They do well at what they do, not because they rely upon their brains, but because they use the gifts that God has given them and strive to improve them. 

We recently watched Chariots of Fire--one of my favorite movies of all time and if you have never seen it, I strongly recommend that you do so.  This movie (based on a true story) is about young men with great talents, and yet to succeed in their chosen field (running) they must train, and struggle, and work to reach their full potential.  One of my favorite lines from the movie is when Eric Liddle says, "I believe that God made me for a purpose...but He also made me FAST and when I run, I feel His pleasure (and then the best part that we don't always hear) and to Not do so, would be to hold Him in contempt." (caps are mine). God has given us gifts and we should honor Him with those gifts, by constantly be struggling to improve them rather than wasting them because the other alternative is too much work.

Even though it doesn't exactly fit in with what I have been discussing, I will leave you with the Master's wonderful speech from the Freshmen Dinner in Chariots of Fire, "Examine yourselves, let each of you discover where your true chance of greatness lies...seize this chance, rejoice in it, and let no power or persuasion deter you in your task."

"Struggle" as Viewed by East and West

This is an article from NPR that I found extremely interesting. I have some thoughts on the article, but they won't make any sense unless one reads the article first, so here it is.

Struggle For Smarts? How Eastern And Western Cultures Tackle Learning



In 1979, when Jim Stigler was still a graduate student at the University of Michigan, he went to Japan to research teaching methods and found himself sitting in the back row of a crowded fourth grade math class.
"The teacher was trying to teach the class how to draw three-dimensional cubes on paper," Stigler explains, "and one kid was just totally having trouble with it. His cube looked all cockeyed, so the teacher said to him, 'Why don't you go put yours on the board?' So right there I thought, 'That's interesting! He took the one who can't do it and told him to go and put it on the board.'"
Stigler knew that in American classrooms, it was usually the best kid in the class who was invited to the board. And so he watched with interest as the Japanese student dutifully came to the board and started drawing, but still couldn't complete the cube. Every few minutes, the teacher would ask the rest of the class whether the kid had gotten it right, and the class would look up from their work, and shake their heads no. And as the period progressed, Stigler noticed that he — Stigler — was getting more and more anxious.
"I realized that I was sitting there starting to perspire," he says, "because I was really empathizing with this kid. I thought, 'This kid is going to break into tears!'"
But the kid didn't break into tears. Stigler says the child continued to draw his cube with equanimity. "And at the end of the class, he did make his cube look right! And the teacher said to the class, 'How does that look, class?' And they all looked up and said, 'He did it!' And they broke into applause." The kid smiled a huge smile and sat down, clearly proud of himself.
Stigler is now a professor of psychology at UCLA who studies teaching and learning around the world, and he says it was this small experience that first got him thinking about how differently east and west approach the experience of intellectual struggle.
"I think that from very early ages we [in America] see struggle as an indicator that you're just not very smart," Stigler says. "It's a sign of low ability — people who are smart don't struggle, they just naturally get it, that's our folk theory. Whereas in Asian cultures they tend to see struggle more as an opportunity."
In Eastern cultures, Stigler says, it's just assumed that struggle is a predictable part of the learning process. Everyone is expected to struggle in the process of learning, and so struggling becomes a chance to show that you, the student, have what it takes emotionally to resolve the problem by persisting through that struggle.
"They've taught them that suffering can be a good thing," Stigler says. "I mean it sounds bad, but I think that's what they've taught them."
Granting that there is a lot of cultural diversity within East and West and it's possible to point to counter-examples in each, Stigler still sums up the difference this way: For the most part in American culture, intellectual struggle in schoolchildren is seen as an indicator of weakness, while in Eastern cultures it is not only tolerated, it is often used to measure emotional strength.
It's a small difference in approach that Stigler believes has some very big implications.
'Struggle'
Stigler is not the first psychologist to notice the difference in how East and West approach the experience of intellectual struggle.
Jin Li is a professor at Brown University who, like Stigler, compares the learning beliefs of Asian and U.S. children. She says that to understand why these two cultures view struggle so differently, it's good to step back and examine how they think about where academic excellence comes from.
For the past decade or so, Li has been recording conversations between American mothers and their children, and Taiwanese mothers and their children. Li then analyzes those conversations to see how the mothers talk to the children about school.
She shared with me one conversation that she had recorded between an American mother and her 8-year-old son.
The mother and the son are discussing books. The son, though young, is a great student who loves to learn. He tells his mother that he and his friends talk about books even during recess and the American mother responds with this:
Mother: Do you know that's what smart people do, smart grown ups?
Child: I know... talk about books.
Mother: Yeah. So that's a pretty smart thing to do to talk about a book.
Child: Hmmm mmmm.
It's a small exchange — a moment. But Li says, this drop of conversation contains a world of cultural assumptions and beliefs.
Essentially, the American mother is communicating to her son that the cause of his success in school is his intelligence. He's smart — which, Li says, is a common American view.
"The idea of intelligence in believed in the West as a cause," Li explains. "She is telling him that there is something in him, in his mind, that enables him to do what he does."
But in many Asian cultures, Li says, academic excellence isn't linked with intelligence in the same way. "It resides in what they do, but not who they are, what they're born with," she says.
She shares another conversation, this time between a Taiwanese mother and her 9-year-old son. They are talking about the piano — the boy won first place in a competition, and the mother is explaining to him why.
"You practiced and practiced with lots of energy," she tells him. "It got really hard, but you made a great effort. You insisted on practicing yourself."
"So the focus is on the process of persisting through it despite the challenges, not giving up, and that's what leads to success," Li says.
All of this matters because the way you conceptualize the act of struggling with something profoundly effects your actual behavior.
Obviously if struggle indicates weakness — a lack of intelligence — it makes you feel bad, and so you're less likely to put up with it. But if struggle indicates strength — an ability to face down the challenges that inevitably occur when you are trying to learn something — you're more willing to accept it.
And Stigler feels in the real world it is easy to see the consequences of these different interpretations of struggle.
"We did a study many years ago with first-grade students," he tells me. "We decided to go out and give the students an impossible math problem to work on, and then we would measure how long they worked on it before they gave up."
The American students "worked on it less than 30 seconds on average and then they basically looked at us and said, 'We haven't had this,'" he says.
But the Japanese students worked for the entire hour on the impossible problem. "And finally we had to stop the session because the hour was up. And then we had to debrief them and say, 'Oh, that was not a possible problem, that was an impossible problem!' and they looked at us like, 'What kind of animals are we?'" Stigler recalls.
"Think about that [kind of behavior] spread over a lifetime," he says. "That's a big difference."
Not East Versus West
This is not to imply that the Eastern way of interpreting struggle — or anything else — is better than the Western way, or vice versa. Each have their strengths and weaknesses, which both sides know. Westerns tend to worry that their kids won't be able to compete against Asian kids who excel in many areas but especially in math and science. Jin Li says that educators from Asian countries have their own set of worries.
"'Our children are not creative. Our children do not have individuality. They're just robots. You hear the educators from Asian countries express that concern, a lot,'" she notes.
So, is it possible for one culture to adopt the beliefs of another culture if they see that culture producing better results?
Both Stigler and Li think that changing culture is hard, but that it's possible to think differently in ways that can help. "Could we change our views of learning and place more emphasis on struggle?" Stigler asks. " Yeah."
For example, Stigler says, in the Japanese classrooms that he's studied, teachers consciously design tasks that are slightly beyond the capabilities of the students they teach, so the students can actually experience struggling with something just outside their reach. Then, once the task is mastered, the teachers actively point out that the student was able to accomplish it through the students hard work and struggle.
"And I just think that especially in schools, we don't create enough of those experiences, and then we don't point them out clearly enough."
But we can — Stigler says.
In the meantime, he and the other psychologists doing this work say there are more differences to map — differences that allow both cultures to see who they are more clearly.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Don't Settle for Less, Strive for More



Homemaking is very hard.  It is exhausting, both mentally and physically, and sometimes it is boring.  However, it seems to me that upon occasion we homemakers tend to make excuses, if not to the world, then at least to ourselves.  We use the difficulties of the task as a crutch rather than as an obstacle to overcome.  I for one have had the days where I find myself making some sort of excuse as to why I didn’t get much of anything done that day.  “The kids were really difficult” or “things just came up” are two of the excuses that might come out of my mouth when my husband asks the question, “How was your day?” The children may have been more difficult than usual, but that probably isn’t the reason that I hardly accomplished anything and we ate pancakes for dinner.

There are days where I am just off, where I don’t want to do anything, and it is a struggle to make myself wash those dishes or fold that laundry.  (Things like folding the laundry are especially hard because we really don’t HAVE to do it.  Where I have to wash the dishes in order to make the next meal, I can keep the laundry in a basket in the corner for a long time without it really being a problem.)   While the day may have been “more difficult” (and some days truly are) I should also ask myself, “How much time did I waste?” “How much time was spent on the computer or talking on the phone?” “Did I turn on the television, ‘just for a minute’?” We need to honestly examine our days and ask ourselves, “Did I truly try my best or did I settle for something less?” 

Another thing that people (not just homemakers but EVERYONE) tends to do is overemphasize the difficulty of our situations.  We convince ourselves that something is harder than it really is and therefore we forgive ourselves a lack of effort in the face of these challenges. Instead we need to recognize that the harder the situation the more organized and orderly we need to be.  Is my house messy because I just had too much to do or because I just didn’t care enough to clean?  Did I not have time to fold the laundry because I was too busy taking care of a sick child or because I was reading a magazine?

I, as a mother of two four and a naturally tidy husband have it easier than the woman who works part time, has five children, a set of twins, and an untidy husband. While things may be even more difficult for the woman with seven children, a large house, and a part-time job, it pales in comparison to the woman with ten kids, who homeschools them all, keeps a tidy home, volunteers at the church, and attends daily mass.  My point is that it is difficult for everyone, we just need to have a realistic understanding of exactly how hard things really are.  At the same time we need to not settle for a certain status quo. The fact that life is busy is not an excuse.  We shouldn’t settle for the way things are now, but rather should strive to do more, to be better, more organized, more ordered, more faithful, kind, and loving.  As humans we are not perfect, but Matthew 5:48 states “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  We are called to try to be perfect, not to settle for less because the task is hard.

Whatever You Do, Do It Well



I have taken a large excerpt from Dorothy Sayers essay, “Why Work?”  This essay was written after World War II and was addressing a specific worldview that individuals held at the time. I do not believe that all of what she says still holds true today.  For example, when she writes “In nothing has the Church so lost Her hold on reality as in Her failure to understand and respect the secular vocation.”  I do not believe this to still be the case.  However, I love much of what she says here and I didn’t want to tear the essay apart in order to pick and choose what fits and what doesn’t.  The point is that our secular work may also be sacred and we need to see it as such.  We need to recognize that we serve the Lord within our work and whatever we do, whether it is carpentry or homemaking, we need to do it well and do it to the glory of God. 

[W]ork is not, primarily, a thing one does to live, but the thing one lives to do. It is, or it should be, the full expression of the worker’s faculties, the thing in which he finds spiritual, mental, and bodily satisfaction, and the medium in which he offers himself to God. . . . [We need] to recognize that the secular vocation, as such, is sacred. Christian people. . .must get it firmly into their heads that when a man or woman is called to a particular job of secular work, that is as true a vocation as though he or she were called to specifically religious work. . . . It is not right [to accept] the notion that a man’s life is divided into the time he spends on his work and the time he spends in serving God. He must be able to serve God in his work, and the work itself must be accepted and respected
as the medium of divine creation.

In nothing has the Church so lost Her hold on reality as in Her failure to understand
and respect the secular vocation. She has allowed work and religion to become
separate departments, and is astonished to find that, as result, the secular work of the
world is turned to purely selfish and destructive ends, and that the greater part of the
world’s intelligent workers have become irreligious, or at least, uninterested in
religion.

But is it astonishing? How can any one remain interested in a religion which seems
to have no concern with nine-tenths of his life? The Church’s approach to an
intelligent carpenter is usually confined to exhorting him not to be drunk and
disorderly in his leisure hours, and to come to church on Sundays. What the Church
should be telling him is this: that the very first demand that his religion makes upon
him is that he should make good tables.

Church by all means, and decent forms of amusement, certainly–but what use is all
that if in the very center of his life and occupation he is insulting God with bad
carpentry? No crooked table legs or ill-fitting drawers ever, I dare swear, came out of
the carpenter’s shop at Nazareth. Nor, if they did, could anyone believe that they
were made by the same hand that made Heaven and earth. No piety in the worker
will compensate for work that is not true to itself; for any work that is untrue to its
own technique is a living lie.

Yet in Her own buildings, in Her own ecclesiastical art and music, in Her hymns and
prayers, in Her sermons and in Her little books of devotion, the Church will tolerate
or permit a pious intention to excuse so ugly, so pretentious, so tawdry and twaddling,
so insincere and insipid, so bad as to shock and horrify any decent draftsman.
And why? Simply because She has lost all sense of the fact that the living and eternal
truth is expressed in work only so far as that work is true in itself, to itself, to the
standards of its own technique. She has forgotten that the secular vocation is sacred.
Forgotten that a building must be good architecture before it can be a good church;
that a painting must be well painted before it can be a good sacred picture; that work
must be good work before it can call itself God’s work.
Let the Church remember this: that every maker and worker is called to serve God in
his profession or trade–not outside it. The Apostles complained rightly when they
said it was not meet they should leave the word of God and serve tables; their
vocation was to preach the word. Bu the person whose vocation it is to prepare the
meals beautifully might with equal justice protest: It is not meet for us to leave the
service of our tables to preach the word. . . . The only Christian work
is good work well done. Let the Church see to it that the workers are Christian people
and do their work well, as to God: then all the work will be Christian work, whether it
is church embroidery, or sewage farming. As Jacques Maritain says: If you want to
produce Christian work, be a Christian, and try to make a work of beauty into which
you have put your heart; do not adopt a Christian pose.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Struggle to Do What We Should



There are a lot of struggles that we go through as homemakers but one struggle that comes to us all is the feeling of apathy. Before starting this blog I was extremely motivated in my homemaking.  Like all homemakers, I have my ups and downs with how good of a job I am doing—how clean the house is, how well I have stuck to the budget, the kinds of meals I have made for dinner (no pancakes), how much time I have spent praying, exercising, or with my children, and the kind of mood that I have been in when my husband returns from work.  I have my moments (noticed they are measured in moments) when I am completely on top of things and doing everything that I should be doing.  But then, after about one week of this, I hit a wall and the struggle begins. I wake up in the morning and I just want to sit on the couch in my bathrobe, drinking coffee, and reading a book while the children play around me.  I don’t want to wash those dishes that I have just eaten off of, I don’t want to change the sheets, clean the bathrooms, wash the dirty mirrors, sweep the kitchen floor, or make dinner.  I don’t want to do anything. I believe that, to varying degrees, this is a struggle that we all go through.  Unfortunately, the Internet is a huge helper in promoting this apathy.  “I’m just going to check facebook one time,” “I wonder if I have an email.  I didn’t ten minutes ago but someone might have sent me an urgent message since then, I should check.”  “I’m just going to watch this show on Netflix for ten minutes, just a little break.” All of these things are time wasters and they are extremely good at sucking us in.  Though, have you ever noticed that as soon as we waste the time on these things and give in we feel extremely annoyed with ourselves? This then puts us in a bad mood when our husbands get home. 

On the flip side, perhaps we are not feeling apathetic. Perhaps we are actually extremely motivated and excited about something and therefore, “I have to tell someone about my excitement” or my latest one “I’m going to write a blog post about this one, I will sit down and write it now” (even though the beds aren’t made the dishes aren’t clean, and the toilets need to be scrubbed).  I find it extremely ironic that ever since I have started a blog on the importance of homemaking, I haven’t really wanted to do much homemaking.  Then again, maybe we decide to start a project.  “I have been meaning to refinish that desk for a long time and it will make my bedroom look great, thereby making a cozier home.” Yet, while we are doing the project that dishes are piled in the sink and the house is a disaster. (This is a HUGE struggle for me.) It is so much easier to do something we are excited about, something different, than to do the same thing, week after week. But then, perhaps no one else has these struggles, perhaps it is just me, but I don’t think so.
 
I believe that Satan attacks us where we are most vulnerable and in the places where we have the potential to do good.  Every time that I am doing my best in the home and creating a comfortable, orderly, and loving environment for my family, I immediately do not want to do the work anymore. As soon as I am selfless, I want to stop and be selfish and focus on the things that interest me and that I find entertaining.  I am not saying that we can’t ever do something just for ourselves, there are times that we have to or we will lose our minds.  The problem arises when our choice to do that thing leads to failure in other areas of our lives. This is a battle that the homemaker is constantly fighting.

How can we conquer these struggles? The most important way to conquer this is through prayer.  When we are sitting down for the second cup of coffee, knowing that we really should be getting up and making the beds, we need to pray for God to give us the strength to do stand up and walk to the bedroom.  Offer up the struggles to God, make them your sacrifice to Him and ask Him to sanctify your work for His glory.  Another thing that I have found helpful is having a routine.  If it is Monday, and I normally vacuum, sweep, and mop on Mondays, but I REALLY don’t want to, if nothing else happens that day, I at least know that I have to accomplish those things.  I have found a routine to be extremely helpful in keeping me on track through the times where I don’t want to do anything. (Of course, as a homemaker we never can get away with doing Nothing, we just don’t do things very well.)  Being a homemaker is hard because we do not have a boss who holds us accountable. There is no one checking up on us to make sure that we folded and ironed all of the clothes this week, and in many ways this makes it so much harder. However, our choices do affect other people; they affect our family and they affect us.  We are better women, wives, and mothers when we do our work and we do it well.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

This inspired me today...

The officers of the king in charge of enforcing the apostasy came to the city of Modein to organize the sacrifices. Many of Israel joined them, but Mattathias and his sons gathered in a group apart. Then the officers of the king addressed Mattathias: "You are a leader, an honorable and great man in this city, supported by sons and kinsmen. Come now, be the first to obey the king's command, as all the Gentiles and the men of Judah and those who are left in Jerusalem have done. Then you and your sons shall be numbered among the King's Friends, and shall be enriched with silver and gold and many gifts."
  But Mattathias answered in a loud voice: "Although all the Gentiles in the king's realm obey him, so that each forsakes the religion of his fathers and consents to the king's orders, yet I and my sons and my kinsmen will keep to the covenant of our father. God forbid that we should forsake the law and the commandments. We will not obey the words of the king nor depart from our religion in the slightest degree."
                                                    ~1 Maccabees 2:15-22

It's a Baby, Not a Choice: Vote Romney

I have to leave for a dentist appointment in twenty minutes, but this is something that I feel so passionately about, that I decided to sit and write this before I left.  On November 1st Patrick had the day off from work, so I took the opportunity to go and vote (without the children). I voted for Romney.  I did not do this just because I have always called myself a Republican, I voted for Romney because I am Pro-Life.  I believe that this issue is the most important issue in any presidential election.  I get so annoyed when I hear people lamenting, especially Christians, that they aren't sure who to vote for because they really just don't like Romney.  No, he was not my number one choice, but I will vote for him because I will NEVER vote for a man who thinks that abortion is okay.  Science has shown that those little beings are human, abortion is the Murder of a Human Being.  Why then, as Christians who believe in the ten commandments, "Thou Shalt Not Murder" do we think that it is acceptable to murder people?  "Well, it is the choice of the mother."  Yes, I believe in women's right to choose.  Women have the right to choose Not to have sex in the first place.  But the moment that a woman's choice leads to the creation of life within her body, she loses the right to choose because she is no longer choosing for herself but rather for someone else.  I get so angered when I see things like, Christian Women for Obama.  Really?  How? John Paul II once said "The promotion of the culture of life should be the highest priority in our societies...If the right to life is not defended decisively as a condition for all other rights of the person, all other references to human rights remain deceitful and illusory."  Yes, I voted for Romney, I voted for life.

"Give us the grace - When the sacredness of life before birth is attacked, to stand up and proclaim that no one ever has the authority to destroy unborn life." ~ John Paul the Great

Monday, November 5, 2012

The Sacrifice of Homemaking



Why is it that so many women become dissatisfied with the task of homemaking? The world views homemakers as “discontent” and “unfulfilled” for a reason, but what is it?  Are some women desperate to escape the home because they finally recognize their home and family for the chains that they really are and therefore they desire to be free of them?  This is what many people think, especially feminists. They claim that women have been downtrodden for centuries but are now rising up and throwing off the shackles of male domination and family life.  Women are taking their rightful place in the work world and beginning to make their mark rather than settling for the obscurity of the home front. Yet, what those who believe these lies do not see is that they have it all backwards.  

One of the reasons that many women are discontent with “merely taking care of the home” is because they have been bombarded with propaganda that tells them that homemaking is not enough. Homemaking has been portrayed as unimportant, small, and secondary to everything else.  At least, the smart, driven, well-educated women are seen as being wasted in the home.  Rather, they should leave that to the women who are too stupid or not capable of doing anything else. (Heck, isn’t that what the Nanny is for?)

Where does this mind set come from? Something that was good and noble has been taken and twisted almost beyond recognition.  This warped way of thinking has come out of the rise of individualism.  We live in an extremely individualistic time and are constantly told to, basically, be selfish; “look out for number one,” “take some ‘Me’ time,” “focus on My needs and My desires,” “I need to think about what is best for Me.”  With the rise in individualism there is a rise in selfishness and an increase in the divorce rate.  When personal pleasure, happiness, and desires are put above the needs of others, it is no wonder that traditional families and homemakers have come under attack. 

John Paul II once said, “To maintain a joyful family requires much from both the parents and the children.  Each member of the family has to become, in a special way, the servant of others.”  The task of a homemaker is one of service toward others.  There is the obvious service towards others, such as washing their clothes, making the meals, and generally working to provide all that they need to survive.  But, that selflessness also is seen when she gives her last bite of food to her little boy who asked for it; when she irons those shirts for her husband, even though she HATES to iron; when she climbs up to clean those gutters, not because her husband Won’t do it, but so that he Doesn’t Have to do it.  She gets up early with the kids so that her husband can get a little more sleep.  Selflessness is that fifth game of CandyLand, even though she would really rather be reading a book during her twenty minute break.  It is also seen when she has to leave Mass, AGAIN, in order to quiet a noisy toddler.  All of these acts are selfless and yet, people don’t usually watch the mom (or dad) walk out of church and think about what they are sacrificing. The homemaker rarely receives accolades for these selfless acts and some go completely unnoticed. 

Homemaking is about sacrifice and not just from the wife.  The husband sacrifices daily by going to work and providing for the family so that his wife can stay home. The homemaker sacrifices in countless ways, and perhaps one of those ways is ceasing to work outside of the home in order to provide the attention and time necessary to be a full-time homemaker. This is what the world does not understand, it is not all about me.  In all things we must strive to be Christlike and putting others before oneself is one of the key ways that we can do that.  If we are not content with that, it is because we no longer recognize and appreciate the magnitude and importance of our task, not because there is something wrong with the task itself. 

Friday, November 2, 2012

The Family Accountant: Budgeting



I am going to take a moment and talk a little bit about money.  There are many reasons that it is fitting for me to do so here.  One of these reasons is that, as the homemaker, I control and manage our money.  My husband earns the money, and it is by my efforts that we save or spend what we have.  The other thing about money though is that by our choosing for me to be a full-time homemaker, we have less of it. (*Notice I said, Our choosing, as this is definitely a joint decision.) My being a homemaker is a financial choice that my husband and I have made together, as it means that our income is approximately 50% lower than it might otherwise be.  My staying home as a homemaker is so important to us, that we have given up that income in order to make it happen.

The question then arises, how do we do it?  How do we pay our bills, eat healthy meals, live in a comfortable home, and still save money?  The answer is, with hard work and a budget.  After our son was born, almost five years ago, my job allowed me to work part-time from home. Three years ago we moved to our current home and I became a full-time homemaker and the extra income stopped.  Up to this point in our marriage we had always had two incomes, but we had only ever lived off of one.  We always saved the entirety of my salary, so we hadn’t relied on it in any way for our living expenses.  What did change and what I have had to adjust to, is the fact that I no longer put large amounts of money into our savings account each month.  This change also meant that I needed to work harder with sticking to our budget if I wanted us to be able to save any money at all. 

The thing about budgeting is that it is always a challenge.  It is something that you really have to stick to, otherwise it is so easy to just spend, spend, spend, especially when you want something.  There are lots of different ways to budget, but the one that I have found that works the best for me is this.  I wrote down absolutely everything that we spend money on; food, gasoline, mortgage, electricity, clothes, presents, tithe, savings, car insurance, eye glasses, co-pays, home-repairs, decorating, the garden, etc.  I categorized and budgeted for absolutely every penny that we make.  After calculating approximately how much a year that we spend in each area, I divided it by twelve and made certain that the result per month was less than my husband’s monthly salary.  Then, for every category in the month that the money doesn’t get spent, that money goes into savings for a later date.  For example: if in the month of June I have budgeted $75 for clothing, but we don’t buy any clothing in June, I move that $75 dollars into savings so that when July rolls around and I need $150 to buy my husband some new work clothes, the money is there.  In the same way, we pay our car insurance every six months.  If I have budgeted $50 a month for car insurance, but I am not paying it in the months of June, July, August, September, and October, each of those months I move the money into savings so that when the bill comes in November, I have $300 to pay it.  This at least is the plan that I have for budgeting our money.  Does it always work out? No, but that is because I fail, not the system.  I am still working on managing our money well and some months are definitely better than others.

Saint Anne: A Good Homemaker



If we ever begin to doubt that homemaking is something that can help the world, we need only think of Saint Anne.  Personally, I have a great love for Saint Anne because she is my patron saint, but she is officially the patron saint of mothers, housewives, pregnant women, and women in labor.

Saint Anne is the mother of Mary, the mother of Christ. Saint Anne is the mother of our Blessed Mother Mary. Saint Anne is the grandmother of Jesus Christ. (I am saying all of this to emphasize her closeness to the Holy Family.) It is because of Saint Anne, her work as a homemaker and the way that she raised Mary, that Mary is who she is.  Holy Mother Mary, the one woman in All of history in All of the world, that God chose to be the mother of His son. This Very special woman was raised by Anne—and Joachim of course but I am just talking about Anne now.

What if Anne had chosen not to do this task? What if she had decided that being a homemaker was not important enough but rather she wanted to focus on something other than her home so as to “make a difference in the world”? Now we can never mess up God’s plans, but I still ask, what if?  When Anne was holding Mary as an infant, she didn’t know the plans that God had for her or about the baby the Mary would one day give birth to.  We never know how our actions may affect the world, all that we can do is trust in God and do this task that He has given us to the best of our ability.  

We call upon you, dear St. Anne, for help in bringing up our family in good and godly ways. Teach us to trust God our Father as we rear the precious heritage entrusted to us. May His will prevail in our lives and His providence defend us. These blessings we ask for all families in our neighborhood, our country, and our world. Amen.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Homemaking and Drudgery


Here is an excerpt from one of my favorite books, Holiness for Housewives (and other working women) by Dom Hubert van Zeller.

In the chapter entitled “The Emancipation of Domesticity” in his book What’s Wrong with the World, G. K. Chesterton writes as follows: “. . . I cannot, with the utmost energy of imagination, conceive what they mean. When domesticity, for instance, is called drudgery . . . the difficulty arises from a double meaning in the word. If drudgery only means dreadfully hard work, I admit the woman drudges in the home—as a man might drudge at the Cathedral of Amiens or drudge behind a gun at Trafalgar. But if it means that the hard work is more heavy because it is trifling, colorless and of small import to the soul, then, as I say, I give it up; I do not know what the words mean. To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors, and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, books, cakes, and boots; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene, I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No, a woman’s function is laborious; but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task, I will never pity her for its smallness.”
       The first necessity is to find in your soul a respect for your vocation. Once you have this sense of mission, this sense of dedication to a cause more worthwhile than any purely personal claim, the rest can follow. Prayer, self-sacrifice, loyalty, perseverance, and in fact the whole list, come spontaneously to the soul who concentrates upon the vocation immediately present and refuses to look at the vocation over the hill. These virtues come spontaneously—that is to say, they are felt to be the appropriate thing—but, of course, this does not mean that they come easily. Little in the spiritual life comes easily. Temptation comes easily; resisting temptation does not.
        Another thing about this “drudgery,” which we are all so afraid of and so eager to avoid: it can promote not only holiness—in fact that is what it is for—but happiness as well. By taking it up, by working ourselves into the rhythm of it, we find the same sort of happiness in it that is found in the performance of the Divine Office. It becomes the apt expression; it brings peace. If only people searched harder for the dignity that is hidden in labor, and worried less about the drudgery that inevitably accompanies it, they would have time to look about them and see what kind of happiness it can be made to bring.
   Oh yes, I know all about monotony, stress, exhaustion, and all the other horrors.  But these are only some of the accidental effects of any given vocation. What you need to get hold of, and examine, and pray about, and give thanks to God for, and not allow to go to waste, is the substance. It is the vocation itself about which you must be sure: when you have got the cause right, you will not have nearly so much difficulty in squaring up and sanctifying the effects. You will begin to see a pattern about your life. It will not be a muddle of dreary duties that are mercifully interrupted every now and then by pleasures: it will be a related whole; it will have a unity. . . . Thus if your state in life is really the wrong one for you, you will never find happiness in developing it.