Hold Them to Higher Standards

      Parenting has changed a lot since I was a child.  There are a lot of different views on parenting out there, and like diet plans, the “professionals” are constantly changing their opinions of what is “good for the child.” Many of these changes are bad, a few of them are good.  One change that is prevalent today and, I believe has life-long consequences for children, is how little we expect of them.  We excuse poor behavior in our children because we act like they are incapable of knowing better.  But then, if we don’t teach them the right way to behave or hold them to that higher standard, of course they will behave badly. These children will then grow up to expect less of themselves because nothing was ever asked of them when they were kids. If we are constantly making excuses for them now, rather than requiring change, then they will make excuses for themselves for the rest of their lives. 

        A three-year old hits her brother and refuses to share. “You are just being ornery today.” (When Evelyn is being a stinker she is constantly telling me, "I just being ornery") Yes, this is true, but it does not make the behavior acceptable.  This is not an excuse, it is a fact, and it needs to be dealt with.  If a parent allows a child to behave poorly just because they are in a bad mood, that parent is teaching their child that it is acceptable to be ruled by their emotions. You feel tired, you feel cranky, therefore, it is okay that you refuse to share and that you are constantly yelling and throwing temper tantrums.  These behaviors are never acceptable. The child that is taught that it is okay to act like this when they aren’t feeling their best, is the child that will grow up to say whatever unkind thing they want just because they aren’t in a good mood.  It is not okay for me to yell at my kids just because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. We need to train our children on how to control their behavior as it relates to their emotions.    

        “My four-year old Can’t sit still for church.” No, your four-year old doesn’t Want to sit still through church. They are capable of doing so, it just isn’t easy.  If children are constantly allowed to squirm around in their seat, crawl on the ground under the pew, get up and dance around in the aisle, then by the time they are seven (or whatever age) and you tell them that it is time to start sitting still, this transition is going to be really hard because they have never done it. However, if you start with the idea that, “church is a place where we show proper respect towards God, not a playground” then the child will learn from a young age that some things are appropriate behaviors and some are not.  They will learn how to sit still, bit by bit, and get used to it. Will this require a constant effort on the part of the parents and consistency when it comes to disciplining naughtiness? Of course, but it is necessary in order to teach the child that we need to do what is right, even if it isn’t the easy thing to do.

       A six-year old refuses to look someone in the eye and say hello. “He is just shy” His mother excuses him. Of course he is shy, lots of kids that age are, but they can still be taught the manners to look at someone and say “hello.” You are not asking them to have a prolonged conversation with a stranger, just show the common curtesy of a word of greeting. By teaching a child to look past the shyness, we are teaching them a life-long skill when it comes to communicating with other people in the world, no matter how they feel.

        Children actually like to be challenged. If you hold a child to a higher standard, then (after much work and patience) they are going to rise up to meet it. Does this need to be balanced with a healthy recognition that kids are kids, of course. Like all areas of parenting there is give and take and no one extreme is right. Parenting requires a great deal of common sense. But if you want your child to behave well, you need to clearly communicate what is acceptable behavior and what is not, and teach them how to achieve that. Raising children is not an area of our lives where we can just sit back and take a break. There is constant involvement, work, and love required until the day when we let them go and pray that we taught them well.

Dinner as a Family

One of my favorite childhood memories, is how we always sat down together for dinner. We would sit in either our kitchen or our dining room and we all had our usual seat. Sometimes the meal would be fancy or, when my dad wasn’t home for dinner, it might be hamburger patties, macaroni and cheese, and carrot sticks. We never ate popcorn or cereal for dinner. On very rare occasions, we had breakfast for dinner.  But, no matter which table we were at, what we were eating, or whether or not my dad was home—which he mostly was—we always sat down to eat as a family.  In this area, I know that my husband was raised the same way.

   

This is something that is very important to both my husband and me. Each night we all sit at one table together, pray a blessing over the food, eat, and talk.  (There are nights where Patrick is working and cannot be home for dinner, and on these nights the rest of us still sit together at the table for dinner.) This will always continue because it is one of the few times in the day where we are all together as a family.  I believe that this is important for a few reasons:

1.) We teach our children table manners.  My kids are ages six, three, and ten months, and they are able to sit through an entire meal without being crazy.  Each night while we eat we are teaching our children as well as spending time with them. (“Sebastian, put your knees down and sit up straight at the table”, “Evelyn, we don’t wave our fork, with food on it, around or try to dance at the table,” “Cecilia, don’t scream or throw food on the ground.”) We remind them to say “please” and “thank you,” to just sit at the table and wait quietly if they finish before everyone else does, and then, when we are finished, to ask to be excused. They are not allowed to come, eat—or not eat as the case may be—get down when they want to be done, and run off to play more. We sit as a family until we are all finished.  Some evenings we will say prayers after the meal, or read a bible story. (This does not happen as often as we would like, but we are working on improving it.) It is a time where we focus upon each other and just being together.

2.) The kids learn that they are not the center of attention—something that is very important for them to learn. At dinner, Patrick and I have a conversation. This does not mean that the kids just sit there silently and never say a word, they are more than welcome to join into the conversation.  However, we are teaching them not to interrupt, and to not be too silly at the table while we are attempting to talk.  Patrick will also take the time to ask each child about their day and find out what they did.  This is an opportunity for the kids to tell daddy their special stories or exciting news about learning to ride their bike or something that they read in a book. 

3.) We all eat the same meal. I am not a special order cook, I do not make different food for the children, they eat what we eat. However, the kids are allowed to have one thing that they may choose to not eat, (Sebastian doesn’t like eggplant, Evelyn isn’t a huge fan of potatoes) but they have to eat everything else. We are teaching them that, someone took the time and energy to make you this food, be grateful, and even if you don’t really like it, you don’t show it, and you never say, “yuck.”

     

 The result of all of this work? We are able to enjoy family time (in a way that really means a lot to my husband) while also teaching our children how to behave in public. Do my children behave perfectly? Of course not. Is this a work in progress? Always, but it is something that I believe to be worth the effort.

They Understand So Much

One of the things that I am continually surprised about when parenting, is how much young children (specifically babies and toddlers) understand.  Patrick and I have tried to parent in a way that takes advantage of this. Though, due to the large age gap between our children, it took us a little bit to remember with our second that she knew what we were saying, she was just choosing to disobey us.  Here are a couple examples to show what I am talking about.  My daughter is almost 18 months old.

Example #1
This evening after dinner the following exchange took place.

Evelyn: (Upon getting out of her high chair she ran towards the refrigerator, arms outstretched and communicated her usual...) "eh eh eh" (By the way, one of the most annoying noises in the world is the demanding and loud, "eh eh eh".)

Me: Evelyn, would you like a bottle of milk? (This is the only reason she ever goes to the fridge.)

Evelyn: "eese" (please, without the "p")

Me: "If you would like to have a bottle of milk, you first need to get ready for bed."

Evelyn: "eese"

Me: (I repeat the above and add) "you need to sit down and take off your pants, take off your shirt, get your pajamas, and your diaper, and after you are ready for bed you may have your milk."

Evelyn proceeds to take off her pants and shirt (with a little help, the mechanical skills aren't there yet), take me to her room to help find the pajamas, and diaper, and then she brought them to her father to change her (I told her to).  She and Patrick played for a bit, and fifteen minutes later, she was already for bed and she came back to me, pointed to the bottle and repeated her please.  I told her that if she wanted her bottle she would have to stop playing and go to bed.  She hugged and kissed me, took her bottle, grabbed Patrick's hand, and led him to her room.

Example #2
Ever since Evelyn was about six months old, we have not been able to sit through the entirety of a Mass.  At one point or other, usually after about only 20 minutes, she starts making lots of noise and we have to spend the rest of the Mass either standing behind some glass doors on the side, or in the back.  Three weeks ago we decided that she is old enough to sit through Mass.  So, before Mass the next Sunday, we said to her, "Evelyn, we are going to Mass and you need to sit quietly while we are in Church.  You can't be crying and fussing and making lots of noise.  It is not a time to play, it is a time to listen and  worship God.  If we have to take you outside because you are being too noisy, we will give you a spanking, and then bring you back to our pew."  Throughout the service if she started getting a little bit noisy or especially wiggly, we would whisper a reminder to her, and she would stop. We have now sat through two Sundays with Evelyn  in the pew for the entire service. Patrick had to take her outside once, and then the next time he got up to take her out, she said, "shhhh, shhhh" and put her finger over her lips, and was quiet.

Now, I am not discussing this in order to just tell little anecdotes about my child, I am merely stating what I believe to be true based upon personal experiences.  We often think that just because they can't really talk and they throw little baby tantrums by stomping their feet that they are too young to understand the word "no" or anything else that we are saying.  We seem to think that it is okay for a child to kick and scream, as long as they are young enough, because they don't know better.  It is amazing how quickly children learn how to disobey.  Children are masters of selective hearing. We are the parents and they need to obey us, no matter how much, at times, they don't want to.  Do not let a toddler rule your home with their tantrums.  One of the things that I am always working on, and sometimes failing with, is to remember to just speak calmly and explain clearly.  Sometimes kids just like to know "why" they are doing something, and if we tell them, they might be a bit more willing to obey. Because they understand so much, it also means that they are constantly watching and seeing the example that we are setting for them. 
   

Family

People often stereotype what it is like to be around family members during the holidays. And while I never realized it until recently, a lot of people don't get along with their family.  Some people may read that and think, "duh!" but I grew up in a family where we were really close, so, to me, it is rather an alien concept.

I have three brothers, no sisters, and five cousins. I have always been extremely close with all of my family members and I love being with them.  This Christmas all my brothers and I will be spending Christmas with our parents (and families) and we will try to be together as much as possible, not just on Christmas day when we Have to be together.  We are all very different with unique personalities.  Three of us are Catholic, one is Protestant; three of us majored in history, one in English; three of us are boys, one is a girl; three of us went to Hillsdale, one to West Point; three of us played baseball/softball, one didn't, are we noticing a pattern here?  While we do not have everything in common, we do find that we agree on the really important stuff.  We are all Christians, we are all happily married (and don't believe in divorce), we all love our parents and each other, we all discipline our children, and we all homeschool our kids. The list could go on about our similarities and differences, but the point I am trying to make is that we do not get along because we have everything in common. Our jobs are different, some of our views on parenting are different, some of us watch television and some don't, some can sing and some are tone deaf, but we LOVE to be together.  Do we still occasionally fight? Yes.  Do my brothers still try to just pull my chain? YES! But if we had the choice between being together or being with our dearest friends, we choose our family because we like each other just that much.  And, at least in my case, my best friend is part of my family.

What does this have to do with homemaking?  I want my kids to be as close with their brothers and sisters and cousins as I was with mine.  But that is not something that just happens accidentally.  You have to teach your children how to love their family.  While I fought with my brothers A Lot, I was also taught how to respect them, and how to treat them with kindness.  My father taught my brothers how to protect me and watch out for me, and they always have and always will.  If we just sit by and say, "Oh, they will love each other, they are family"  they might, but not necessarily.  I didn't have to teach my son how to love his sister, but I do need to show him how to treat her with kindness, how to protect her (not sit on her), and how to recognize that "when she hit you, she didn't mean to hurt you, she really loves and admires you."

The type of home that we create, and the culture that we surround our children with, will form how they view family.  I don't want my kids to have an uncle that they have never met, or cousins that they can't name. I want my children to be excited about holidays, just like I am, because that means they will get to be with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, and sisters.  One of the ways that we encourage our kids to love their family is to pray for different family members each night. Also, when Sebastian was younger we made him a photo album with pictures of all his cousins and aunts and uncles in it and we would go through it with him to make sure that he could recognize the family and know which cousins belonged to which aunt and uncle.  If we don't teach our kids that family is important, then they will grow up thinking that it's not.  Love is a choice, and while we can't choose who our family is, we can choose how to love them.

The Influence of Their Peers

The world is a wicked place with terrible influences all around us. We are bombarded with all things sexual, violent, crass, and downright evil.  Abortion is legal and rampant, religious liberties are restricted by our nation’s leaders, and traditional marriage is constantly under attack.  There is no denying that the world is full of horrific things, this is fact.  Why then, in this day and age, do we think that it is Less important, not More, that a mother spend More time working a job and Less raising her children?

   

One question that we need to ask ourselves is, who and what do we want influencing our children?  Do I want to be the one who determines what they learn, see, or hear, or do I want to leave that up to another adult, and primarily a bunch of other children? For that is something that we very often forget, when our children spend all of their time in day-care and school rather than in the home, their primary source of influence is their peers.  We can research what are and pay for the best schools with wonderful teachers, but they are still going to be surrounded with all sorts of other kids, who may, or very likely may not, be the type of children that you want your child associating with.  I am not saying that children should not play with other children, by all means they should do so, it is just best if it is done in a home where you can monitor behavior.  A very wise friend of mine recently said to me, you cannot change how other children are raised, but you can teach them the appropriate way to behave in your home.

No one loves my children more than their father and I do.  No matter how good, kind, or Christianly the person taking care of my kids is, they will never love them as much as I do. It therefore follows that I, more than anyone else, am looking out for my child’s best interests.  I don’t mean always making certain that they get their turn playing with that toy or that no one picks on them, but rather, teaching them how to behave.  Sometimes, this may mean that they do get picked on or don’t get a turn with the toy.  It is then my job to teach my children how to behave properly in the given situations.  When I see a group of boys that my son is playing with picking on someone, I can then teach him that it is his job to defend others and not to give in to peer pressure.  That is what it means to look out for his best interests.  A teacher or day-care worker, would see a situation and stop the bullying, I might see a situation, stop the bullying, and then instruct my child in how to not let something happen again, I teach them how to be a better human being.  This sort of thing takes a lot of time and effort.  It is not the day-care worker or the teachers job to raise the children, they just do crowd control.

It is not that we should stay home with our children out of a fear of the world around us.  But rather we should do so, so as to best prepare them to face the world themselves.  We all know that at the age of five or six, our children are not grown up, they are just beginning to be formed.   No matter how good of a job you are doing at home, if your child is outside of the home 80% of the time, then that outside influence is going to compete with and trump most of what you are striving to teach your kids.  

NB: I do recognize that the world also holds many beautiful and wonderful things for our children to discover.  I am only saying that we need to protect them from/prepare them to face the bad so that they may more fully enjoy the good.