Hold Them to Higher Standards

      Parenting has changed a lot since I was a child.  There are a lot of different views on parenting out there, and like diet plans, the “professionals” are constantly changing their opinions of what is “good for the child.” Many of these changes are bad, a few of them are good.  One change that is prevalent today and, I believe has life-long consequences for children, is how little we expect of them.  We excuse poor behavior in our children because we act like they are incapable of knowing better.  But then, if we don’t teach them the right way to behave or hold them to that higher standard, of course they will behave badly. These children will then grow up to expect less of themselves because nothing was ever asked of them when they were kids. If we are constantly making excuses for them now, rather than requiring change, then they will make excuses for themselves for the rest of their lives. 

        A three-year old hits her brother and refuses to share. “You are just being ornery today.” (When Evelyn is being a stinker she is constantly telling me, "I just being ornery") Yes, this is true, but it does not make the behavior acceptable.  This is not an excuse, it is a fact, and it needs to be dealt with.  If a parent allows a child to behave poorly just because they are in a bad mood, that parent is teaching their child that it is acceptable to be ruled by their emotions. You feel tired, you feel cranky, therefore, it is okay that you refuse to share and that you are constantly yelling and throwing temper tantrums.  These behaviors are never acceptable. The child that is taught that it is okay to act like this when they aren’t feeling their best, is the child that will grow up to say whatever unkind thing they want just because they aren’t in a good mood.  It is not okay for me to yell at my kids just because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. We need to train our children on how to control their behavior as it relates to their emotions.    

        “My four-year old Can’t sit still for church.” No, your four-year old doesn’t Want to sit still through church. They are capable of doing so, it just isn’t easy.  If children are constantly allowed to squirm around in their seat, crawl on the ground under the pew, get up and dance around in the aisle, then by the time they are seven (or whatever age) and you tell them that it is time to start sitting still, this transition is going to be really hard because they have never done it. However, if you start with the idea that, “church is a place where we show proper respect towards God, not a playground” then the child will learn from a young age that some things are appropriate behaviors and some are not.  They will learn how to sit still, bit by bit, and get used to it. Will this require a constant effort on the part of the parents and consistency when it comes to disciplining naughtiness? Of course, but it is necessary in order to teach the child that we need to do what is right, even if it isn’t the easy thing to do.

       A six-year old refuses to look someone in the eye and say hello. “He is just shy” His mother excuses him. Of course he is shy, lots of kids that age are, but they can still be taught the manners to look at someone and say “hello.” You are not asking them to have a prolonged conversation with a stranger, just show the common curtesy of a word of greeting. By teaching a child to look past the shyness, we are teaching them a life-long skill when it comes to communicating with other people in the world, no matter how they feel.

        Children actually like to be challenged. If you hold a child to a higher standard, then (after much work and patience) they are going to rise up to meet it. Does this need to be balanced with a healthy recognition that kids are kids, of course. Like all areas of parenting there is give and take and no one extreme is right. Parenting requires a great deal of common sense. But if you want your child to behave well, you need to clearly communicate what is acceptable behavior and what is not, and teach them how to achieve that. Raising children is not an area of our lives where we can just sit back and take a break. There is constant involvement, work, and love required until the day when we let them go and pray that we taught them well.